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Submitted by Gary Cinnamon

I was in the express lane at the store, quietly
fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman
ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line
pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine
my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to
come forward, looked into the cart, and asked
sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Because they had no reservations at a busy
restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were
told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband
said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected
is that they would hate to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar
and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father
and placed something in his hand. The guests in
the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the minister smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride
gave him back his credit card.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and
dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Three friends from the local congregation were
asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and
congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a
great family man.

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge
difference in people's lives."
Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's

Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close
enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the
Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to

The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can
remove a "curse" he has been living with for the
last 40 years. The wizard says "Maybe, but you will
have to tell me the exact words that were used to
put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now
pronounce you man and wife."
Joe was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give
me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, Joe, " his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to
marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath Joe said, "I do!"

A man goes to see the rabbi. "Rabbi," he says,
"something terrible is happening and I have to talk
to you about it."
The rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"
The man replies, "My wife is poisoning me."
The rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can
that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain
she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk
to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let
you know."
A week later the rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I contacted your wife . She talked to me on
the phone for three solid hours. You want my
The man says, "Yes."
The rabbi replies, "Take the poison!"